by guest blogger Abbie Cooper (aka Abbie from the videos!)

My 2-year-old niece, Juliette, is a force to be reckoned with. My sister once turned around to see she’d jumped onto the TV console to watch Aly Raisman
 do her Olympic beam routine. Another time she woke to find 
Juliette had scaled the crib walls, undressed (from a backwards sleep sack), and was singing “Rock-a-bye Baby” in her rocking chair. Having grown up with said younger sister, I have to laugh and think this might be karma. My one-armed porcelain dolls and headless Barbies agree.

Figuring out boundaries

Like any 2 year old, Juliette loves to test boundaries, and my sister reinforces them. Not always an easy job…especially when the boundary-tester is unbelievably cute. As a mom, my sister keeps her safe (and well-mannered) by telling her what behaviors should stay and which ones need to go.

As adults, we’ve generally learned how to behave in the world around us. But what about within our own heads? What about when thoughts of anxiety, worry, self-doubt or shame creep in and stick around like that uninvited guest that doesn’t pick up on social cues? Ever wish you had a way to help keep your own behavior in check when you start to go into the negative thought vortex? What are your inner thought boundaries, and how do you reinforce them to stay positive and productive?

Playful reinforcement

My sister has developed a quick way to reinforce what her daughter should and should not do. Great thing is that it’s most always laced with a bit of sideways humor, mainly because Juliette’s antics are hilariously outrageous. And it works.

Climbing naked up the bookcase? No ma’am. Launching a fleet of Lego pieces at her play date? No ma’am. Offering to share her PB&J with Aunt Abbie? Yes ma’am.

I found this funny and effective, and I started applying it to myself. Of course, if you’re not a ma’am, “no sir” and “yes sir” would work just as well 😉

When negativity goes global

Here’s why I wanted a strategy to police my thoughts. I’m one that easily goes global with a problem or failure in the effort to understand it and prevent it from happening the next time. What starts as an inner dialogue can quickly turn to self-criticism and the negativity swells. What’s even worse is that I manifest stress in my body. Going into these bad places in my psyche causes stress, which for some reason makes me grab my left inner thigh, which pulls my pelvis off center, and then I’m feeling down AND have hip pain. All a product of the bad thought train. Who deserves that?!

To be gentler with myself (and also giggle a little), I’ve started catching those patterns with a “No ma’am”. It’s amazing how quickly it cuts off the negativity. And wards off unnecessary hip pain.

Programming positivity: 20 second rule

Just as much as it helps to cut off the bad behavior, good behaviors need reinforcement too. There’s an effect called the negativity bias, which one of my favorite thought leaders – Marie Forleo – talks about so brilliantly in her recent blog post. Negativity bias is our tendency to let unpleasant thoughts and emotions have more of an effect on our psychological state than neutral or positive ones. Good for animal instincts protecting us from danger; not so good for emotional recovery after we, say, bomb an important interview.

That’s why it’s so important to “Yes ma’am” the good behaviors, thoughts, feelings and events that happen. Dr. Rick Hanson, PhD, is a psychologist and NY Times best-selling author on the subjects of modern neuroscience and positive psychology. Dr. Hanson explains that in order for a positive experience to lay down tracks in our long-term memory (he calls it “hardwiring happiness”), we should keep it in focus for 10-20 seconds. I say we go for the gold and do it for the full 20!

Great night with friends where you left feeling all warm, fuzzy and connected? Yes ma’am. Savor that feeling for 20 seconds. Think about the story that made you laugh or the spontaneous dance party that made you feel free and alive. Relive it and feel the happy vibes take root.

Deliver a great presentation that had everyone engaged and clients clamoring to do business with you? Yes ma’am. Relish the feeling and let it ride for 20 seconds.

Great yoga class where you felt your spirit float and your heart fill with joy? Yes ma’am. Stay with it.

If there’s one thing I learned from my hip surgery recovery in 2010, it’s that my mind had 95% control over how I felt and the speed at which I recovered. That time in my life opened my eyes to the power of emotional reprogramming. Years later, my 2-year-old niece inspired a tool for it!

You might have your own mantra that helps you stomp out negativity. If not, this one is up for grabs. Sometimes in this crazy adult world, it feels good to be a kid again!

About Abbie Cooper: Vegas, baby. That’s where Abbie met the illustrious Dustienne Miller, and a friendship was born. Long before Sin City, where Abbie performed in Queen’s We Will Rock You, she could be found twirling to MJ’s Thriller album in her Houston living room. Now she twirls around NYC, sometimes in tap shoes. She loves creative expression in any form; writing, dancing, making “recap” videos for friends and family, and making (expressive) guacamole.